Stained Glass

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.

— Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, quoted in Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection (2010)

In October, we began exploring Brené Brown’s ten guideposts for wholehearted living—practices that help us choose connection over perfection, authenticity over approval. We continue today with Guidepost #3: Cultivating a Resilient Spirit—Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness.

Through her research, Brown discovered something unexpected: the foundation of resilience isn’t just problem-solving or social support—it’s spirituality. Not religion necessarily, but a deeply held belief in connection, a power greater than self, and the recognition that we are not alone. From this spiritual foundation, three essential patterns emerged: cultivating hope, practicing critical awareness, and letting go of numbing.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the Swiss-American psychiatrist who revolutionised how we understand death and dying through her identification of the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—knew something about resilience. Her work with terminally ill patients revealed that those who faced mortality with the greatest grace had cultivated an inner light that sustained them when circumstances offered little comfort. True resilience isn’t about never breaking—it’s about having something within that continues to shine even when darkness falls.

Hope is not an emotion—it’s a cognitive process. Researcher C. R. Snyder showed that hope happens when we can set realistic goals, figure out how to achieve them with flexibility, and believe in our abilities. Hope is learned through relationships marked by boundaries, consistency, and support. It requires understanding that some worthy endeavors will be difficult—but that doesn’t make them less valuable. When we lose hope, we lose the belief that our actions matter, that we can influence what happens to us. Hopelessness leads to powerlessness, and that is dangerous.

Practicing critical awareness means reality-checking the messages that fuel our “never good enough” gremlins. Brown teaches us to ask: Is what I’m seeing real? Who benefits from my feeling inadequate? Shame works like a zoom lens—when we’re feeling it, we see only our flawed selves, alone. But when we zoom out, we see we’re not alone.

Letting go of numbing may be the hardest practice. Brown’s research revealed that we cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb pain, we also numb joy. The question isn’t whether we numb, but whether our numbing—through substances, food, work, perfectionism, staying busy—gets in the way of our authenticity and connection. Because when we numb the dark, we numb the light. To love fiercely, to believe wholeheartedly, to celebrate a fleeting moment—these involve vulnerability and often pain. When we lose our tolerance for discomfort, we lose joy.

Recovery mirrors these practices. The Twelve Steps ask us to connect with a power greater than ourselves, to face reality without numbing, and to maintain conscious contact through meditation and spirituality. We learn to lean into discomfort rather than reaching for relief.

Like stained glass, we are most beautiful not when everything is bright and easy, but when we allow our inner light to shine through the broken, coloured pieces of our experience.